The agony (or ecstasy) of becoming an empty nester
After 20 years of being “completely focused” on her two children, Belinda Patton had a hard time adjusting once they’d finished school. “They were off doing their own things and I was suddenly supposed to have a fulfilling life,” says the 60-year-old architect. “I found it a bit difficult.”
But she had no such qualms when her children later flew the coop. Instead, she and her husband relished their new stage of life. For starters, Patton basked in how little time she needed to dedicate to domestic drudgery. “All the chores are done in a flash,” Patton says of being an empty nester. “Instead of three loads of washing a day, there’s just a few a week. The house stays tidy. It doesn’t matter if we cook or not. There’s no one else to consider; just us.”
“It can be a wonderful time in your life when you still get to enjoy your children but also get to have time for yourself,” says family psychologist Deirdre Brandner. CREDIT: ISTOCK
She also has more time and energy to focus on her architecture business. Being able to completely immerse herself in projects without interruption has seen a jump in her productivity.
Her relationship with her adult children is also thriving. “When they’re visiting, you have a focused amount of time that is spent catching up rather than when they’re living at home, when everything’s a bit piecemeal,” she says. “We love seeing our children, but we also love being empty nesters.”
But not everyone feels the same way, says family psychologist Deirdre Brandner. When adult children leave home, she says, it marks an important transition in the lives of parents.
This period is often accompanied by feelings of anxiety, making it an “emotionally distressing and quite exhausting” time. After dedicating a significant chunk of life to being a parent, no longer feeling needed by one’s children can lead to feelings of loss of identity and purpose, as well as grief.
Yet Brandner says this topic is rarely discussed. Consequently, parents who feel bereft when their kids leave home are often blindsided by the emotion.
Preparation in the lead-up to this transition can help ease that distress, says Brandner. Start by acknowledging the significance of this change and allow for a period of adjustment, accepting that life might feel rocky for a time. Try to avoid putting pressure on your children in the process. “We don’t want to be ‘guilting’ our children to come back home to alleviate the empty-nest syndrome, because that’s actually not fixing it,” Brandner says.
Instead, she recommends setting up new routines and rituals which allow you to meet up regularly with your adult children. “They might come to you for dinner on a Sunday night, or you catch up at a football match or go to a movie. It’s about looking for how that connection’s going to be different, and letting that be enough.”
Being an empty nester is the perfect time to start exploring new avenues in your own life, Brandner adds. “It might be setting up new routines, such as going for a walk or meeting a friend or joining a book club.” Nutting out your interests and setting time aside to follow your passions can help you thrive. “It can be a wonderful time in your life when you still get to enjoy your children but also get to have time for yourself.”
Brandner acknowledges that no longer having your kids under your roof can feel like a great loss. But it doesn’t mean your relationship with them will suffer; it may even strengthen it. “You don’t have to nag them, or [get bogged down by] little things that go wrong or stuff that annoys you,” Brandner says. “You just get the good bit of them.”
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